Part I- Don't know where to start, Just a ramble of my experiences with parenting
There were many good parts to how I was parented, and I really think my mom had a wisdom to her parenting style with me. I'm her first child, and she had me at 23. Even though she was young, in a new country, and married to a man who she was just really discovering, I think she did an excellent job.
My mom believed in many things. One was breast feeding. My mom felt that since she was healthy and able to, she should. She felt very anti-formula, and she breast fed me until I was about a year and a half. Part of the reason she felt so strongly about breast feeding is because it's natural, and she extended this to my food beyond milk as well. She refused to buy pre mixed "baby food" mush, and opted to blend me her own mix of organic fruits, and fruit that my uncle would give us from his garden. She felt this was more natural, and eliminated the vast majority, if not all, of the pesticides and preservatives that are in pre-mixed baby foods. She did this because that's how my grandmother parented her, so it was kind of something passed down. She never read parenting guides because she felt they were just like fads; one day this was in, the next day that was in.
My mom was unemployed for the first 3 years of my life (not by necessarily by choice) and she spent all that time with me. She would put me in the sling and do all her errands with me. She would talk to me constantly, and share her feelings with me although technically I was too young to understand. One thing my mother always did was speak to me like an adult. When I was a toddler, and asked her questions, she would always be honest with me, and took her time to explain why something was the way it was, instead of making up stories. She also would read to me every day, and we'd go to the park whenever it was nice out. She'd put a record on (we had the old school player) and we'd dance together until we collapsed on the couch.
I didn't watch that much TV. It ranged from none to an hour a day. My mom never put a limit on it, but I would much rather be helping her cook and do laundry, because it was more time to talk and laugh, and emulate my mother. But I also liked to just play independently and get lost in my own world and thoughts. My mom thought it was important to just leave me alone, and respect my time. She considered it a big part of development, because a child shouldn't be bombarded with stimulation at all times, contrary to what American mainstream views show. When a child gets time to be alone and embrace solitude for a couple hours, they get the chance to develop as an individual and they get the time to think without being prompted, analyze what they see, and come to the discoveries themselves instead of always being told and taught by others.
We didn't have a lot of money, but I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Sure we weren't able to do some things, and we lived in a 1 room apartment, but honestly I still remember the warm feeling I had as a child. My mom made everything ok, and even when our hot water would get cut off and we'd have to boil water to fill the tub, it felt like an adventure.
Overall, I would say my mother's parenting style was being very open with me, making me feel safe and loved enough to do the same, and just letting me develop naturally. My mother always says that a child is born wanting to learn, inquisitive, curious, kind hearted and confident, and that it takes a lot to screw that up. She says unfortunately, that's exactly what many people do. She always believed that I would learn how to read naturally, and that I would naturally want to do what she could do when she read me stories. She didn't think I needed a "Baby Einstein" intervention. She was right. Just like with reading, my mom always let me move at my own pace, put no pressures on me to be or do anything, and always supported me.
Being that my sister was born when I was 11, we have a big age difference, and I feel like I have already explored my own parenting style a bit. Because my mother now works demanding hours, and my father is no longer at home with us, I have played a big role in raising my sister. Yes, this responsibility bumped school out of being my first priority, but I am so grateful to have a sister like her, and I thank God every day since she was born. She has often been the reason I've kept trudging forward, and for her I can and would do anything. When I have a bad day, or when I get down on myself, I remind myself of her face, and her smile, her laugh, and I know that the world in it's core is a wonderful place, even if due to cruel, sick people, there are many things wrong with it. I know that she needs me, more than anyone in this world, and so I have made a promise that I will be there.
The way that I "parent" her draws all the positives from my mother, but also I have more patience than my mother did. I don't get frustrated with her, or take anger out on her. I love to talk with her, and I can happily spend hours with her. She is so happy and full of life, that she really does energize me and heal me, as much as I help her, and support her.
Part II- Responding to texts
"When parenting theories backfire"- Hahaha....this article made me laugh. It seems kind of odd to me though that you would create a situation of there being 2 choices, without really having a legitimate reason. Why does it matter what color cup the child drinks out of? In fact, by creating a scenario where the child must pick between two different color cups, you are sending the message to your child that the color of the cup is important, and it matters which one they get. Then when the child starts to be selective about the color, you become frustrated, and the child is confused because they are getting mixed messages. So then they cry and scream, and flip the script. You can't blame them; it's really on the parents here to stop trying to manipulate and encourage mind games.
I think its best to simply give a child a cup you select. If they on their own request a specific one, I would check to see if it's clean and available, and give it to them to respect their preference. If it's not, I would explain that right now the cup is dirty and being washed, and we cannot drink from it. I would go on to explain to them about bacteria and germs- a concept that's new and interesting, and will help them to understand why they can't have it. I would be patient and answer all their questions, all the while they will be drinking from the available cup that I selected, without fuss, because they understand that your on their team, and are not challenging them, nor do they need to challenge you.
This whole choices strategy described in the article I feel is infective because it boils down to the fact that it intentionally enforces that you are the authority; you provide the 2 choices. In an adults mind, they believe they are fooling the child into thinking they have the authority, because they make the final selection between the two. But children are much more intelligent than that: they understand the message you are sending them, and want to exercise the power you are seemingly presenting them with, which is why they will reach for that third choice you didn't provide. They're like OK, if I'm really in control, how about I pick an option 3. Then, when your refusal to let them pursue option 3 is shown, you confirm that you where not really giving them power. This can even lead to a sense of general mistrust if conditioned over time, because you are sending them the message that even their own parents seek to manipulate them into control. As the child matures, if this pattern is consistent and begins to apply to matters more significant than the color of a sippy cup, the damage can run deeper because the child will no longer feel it's a safe place to express themselves, and they might begin to withhold themselves from you. Then you are left with teens who you don't really know, broken communication, and are begging to try to get through to them. So you do what seems "reasonable": impose stricter rules and shows of authority. By now this is like the old song and dance for them; they will resist and rebel and choose the "third option" so to speak, until adulthood when they will be able to hopefully understand your good intentions behind it all, and rebuild communication.
But why go down this path? Respect them from the get go, and don't get muddled in manipulative strategies. I believe it's not necessary, or beneficial, to enforce that you are the authority. When they are young, simply the more developed functionality that you have will demonstrate to them that you are capable of many things they have yet to learn. From this alone, they will respect your position, if you respect theirs (being of course that it's safe to them and those around them). On the flip side, don't let them feel authority over you either. Be firm when you have good reason, but always explain your thought process and answer their questions truthfully. Ideally, the parent-child relationship should just be a union of 2 near equals who love each other, respect each other, are honest, open, and straightforward. I honestly believe this will ensure a good foundation for a close relationship well beyond childhood years.
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