Her mother, a woman in her late 40's, has a good job in finance, and considers herself to have done a decent job raising her, considering the circumstances. She has no idea what went wrong, or when. She looks at her daughter and sees a young woman who's face mirrors her own. Yet she wears an expression that sends chills down her spine. It's one she doesn't recognize, and that scares her. She remembers Anna as a child. Now looking into Anna's eyes, they appear bottomless, the sparkling excitement long gone. Anna wears a black turtle neck, with black jeans. Her mother studies her. Anna had always been slim, but in the past year she had steadily been gaining weight. She was now around 170 pounds, overweight. Her doctor had a discussion with her, but she shrugged it off. When her mother brought it up, Anna had a fit. She said numbers weren't important, and she liked food. She told her, who are you to judge you fat cow. I look just like you, every bit of ugliness I got from you, she had said. In retrospect, Anna's mother almost missed those days. At least she talked.
The teachers walk in, and greet Anna and her mother. They explain Anna's predicament, and tears come to her mothers eyes. Anna's own expression is blank. She chews her gum at a steady pace. Her eyes dart around a few times, but seem to settle on the painting on the wall. She seems particularly absorbed. Soon her mother is pulling on her sweater. She looks up, breaking concentration. She gets up and they walk to the car. Her mother is silent most of the drive. She parks outside their suburban house. She glances at Anna and all of a sudden feels an unexpected surge of rage taking over her. How could she not care? Who had she become? And what would become of her? Her hands trembling, she smacked her across her face. Anna looked up, eyes searching, confused. Her mouth widened and for a second, the face of the young girl who scraped her knee learning to ride her bike came alive. However, her face quickly returned to its cold demeanor. Fuck you, she spat, and ran towards the house. Her mother turned off the engine, and buried her face on the steering wheel, sobbing.
Inside, her 9 year old brother Jonah was playing with his legos. He loved to build things, to create. Despite herself, she smiled. He ran to her, and jumped into her arms. She gave him a quick kiss, then said she had to go. With one last glance of her beautiful brother, the only person she was consciously aware of loving, she climbed up the stairs. She locked herself in her room, and took out her paintbrushes and canvas from under the bed. She was halfway done, and she liked how it was coming out. She worked straight through midnight, diligently bringing it to life. A knock on her door made her jolt. WAIT she shouted and she quickly shoved everything back out of sight under the bed. Ok, she said, come in. Anna's mother opened the door, revealing her exhausted face. Her eyes seemed to sag, and her shoulders curved downwards, her body melting into the floor. It's 1 am, what are you doing, she demanded in nothing more than a whisper. Nothing, Anna responded, her eyes glazed over.
Anna's mother sighed. Is it drugs? Is it a boy? Are you pregnant? Alcohol? I saw on Oprah that young people are taking prescription medications, is that it? The denials came quickly. No, she answered to all, never elaborating or adding more. What then? Help me understand. What do you even do for hours in your room? You just sit here, is that it? Anna shrugged. You have a problem Anna, this is not normal! As her mother grew more frantic, Anna grew more silent. She was good at waiting out the storm. But as her mother reached hysterics, she decided to speak.
Mom? I'm hungry, she said.
The next morning, as the sun streamed through Anna's window, causing her eyes to flutter open, her mother was already over her. Anna, she announced, your going to therapy. Anna felt her heart speeding up. Was she so lost? Was she a bad person? Would she go to hell? She felt the tears welling up. If she went to hell, she thought, she would never see her daddy again, because he promised he'd be waiting for her in heaven. She couldn't go to hell. Seeing her tears, her mother explained that there was no other choice. Anna didn't speak all morning.
Once in the therapist's office, a young woman more suited to be a model than a receptionist gave Anna a form to fill out. Flashing a commercial white smile and batting her obviously glued-on false lashes, she told Anna whenever she was ready, the therapist was ready to see her. Anna looked at the form, and felt disappointed, because she didn't know any of the answers. Her cheeks seemed to burn as she flipped over to the back, and saw more questions she couldn't answer. Ah, but one....Worthless. That's what she knew. It was the only answer she had. She apologized silently in her head for not being more, but she wrote worthless under the question describe yourself. She nervously shuffled into the office marked Dr. Goldhammer. Dr. Goldhammer got up and greeted her. She took Anna's form and looked it over. She was direct. Anna, why are you worthless? Anna shrugged. In her head, she recited the reasons.
She was stupid. Her teachers never said so, but she was better at reading faces than texts, and she saw it etched in their expressions every time they handed back a blank quiz, demanded for homework she didn't do, and called on her for answers she didn't have.
She was not attractive. Though not ugly, she had let herself go. Boys were never interested in her, and she was all but invisible to her male peers. She thought back to when she was 6 years old, and remembered her father saying Anna, you are beautiful. Your going to be quite the heart breaker! I'll have to scare away all the boys, and laughing his wonderful laugh, the one were his eyes twinkled. And she had been beautiful as a child. But she had not blossomed into a heartbreaker, and her dad wasn't here, and she did a good job of scaring everyone away all on her own.
Put bluntly, she was a disappointment. She wasn't good enough for anyone. Undesirable. Unneeded. Unsuccessful. Incapable. Even though her mother believed her to be removed from life, she was extremely observant, and saw the sadness in her mother's eyes, sadness that she had caused. This is why she couldn't let their eyes meet. She knew if she could sense it from her peripheral vision, the pain of a straight on gaze would be searing.
She had alienated the friends she used to have. They couldn't understand her, and after a while, they stopped trying. She guessed it wasn't their fault, but it taught her to be as silent as she had become. This way no one would try to begin with.
The only person who never changed the way they saw her was Jonah. She loved him for it, even though she knew the only reason was youthful oblivion. Once he would reach his teen years, she was sure he too would see her for what everyone else saw her to be. This thought never failed to raise a lump in her throat. She didn't know what she would do the day that he came home, and looked at her with the same pity, frustration, and dismay that everyone else did.
Realizing she had been lost in her thoughts for several minutes, she looked up, remembering she was in Dr. Goldhammer's office. To her surprise, Dr. Goldhammer had not interrupted the silence. She had not repeated the question, or try to prompt her to respond. She simply held a steady gaze. Anna realized she was about to cry, something she had not done in years. As the tears exploded and seemed to come faster than her body could handle, Dr. Goldhammer nodded, and ever the realist, handed her a tissue. After her crying trailed off from sheer exhaustion, Anna couldn't help but marvel at the patience of this strange woman. Not once had she spoken. Just as she thought that, Dr. Goldhammer told her that their time was up, and thanked her for feeling comfortable enough to let the tears out. As Anna stood to leave, Dr. Goldhammer opened her arms for Anna to hug. I don't like hugs, Anna said, truthfully enough, but surprised herself by smiling a little. Dr. Goldhammer smiled, a smile that engaged her entire face, and said well all right then.
Anna's mother stood up anxiously in the waiting room. How'd it go, she asked, glancing from Anna to Dr. Goldhammer. Dr. Goldhammer responded. Anna is a wonderful young woman, with more strength than one can know. I'll see her next week I assume. Anna was shocked. Why was this stranger being so nice to her? Why did someone who just met her seem to know her better than those who tried for years? She resisted it, but she felt herself liking her. Anna's mother looked as shocked as Anna felt. She stammered, and agreed to bring her the following week.
At home, Anna thought about her father. She was glad she knew where he was. She crept into her brothers room and picked up the children's bible he used to read to her when she was young. She had not read a book in over 3 years, but reading this one came to her with ease. As she read the pages designed to help kids cope with death, she came across a page with he words what happens if a child dies? Do they go to heaven? she read the passage, and it assured that all children go to heaven. She sighed. If only she was a child. As she placed the book back in Jonah's room, she paused, watching him sleep. Her spirit soared.
Before she knew what she was doing, she had poured a cup of water and was shaking Jonah to wake him. As he squinted and slowly sat up, she smiled and said hey. He asked what was going on, and she asked him if he missed daddy. His lip began to tremble, and she knew he did. Rubbing his back, she told him she could fix it, she could send him to daddy. Jonah looked at the cup in Anna's hands which was now filled with multi-colored liquid. He said if I drink that it will send me to daddy? Yes, Anna replied. She knew he father would be so happy to see Jonah, and maybe if she could get him to heaven, she would be good again, and she could go to heaven too. Jonah took the cup out of her hands and began drinking.
Note: This is based on a true story. While on the train, I overheard two women having a conversation, and one started to share the story of her daughter Anna, and her son (who I named Jonah). The real Anna does attend a private school, hasn't done a single assignment in 7 months, and is overweight. She did try to kill her brother. I don't know how; the way I wrote it was fabricated, along with the rest of the details. Anna's mother said that now Anna is not allowed to have any contact with her brother, because she is a threat. Anna's mother discovered a finished painting under her bed. It showed Anna's father in heaven, holding Anna in one hand, and her brother in the other.
I know that school doesn't seem to play a big role in this story, but the meeting her teachers had with her mother was the event that her mother started with, so it must have been a pivotal point when the story began to unravel. I guess I would see that as the savior gone bad; I'm sure they all had good intentions but with some cases, it's not as black and white as it may appear.
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